In My Arms
by XxElectroBooshGirlInDisguisexX
Summary: What lengths would you resort to after losing the one you love?
1. Chapter 1

In My Arms

He Left Me, Got Taken From Me. One Month Ago He Laid There Cried Into My Sleeve And Told Me He Loved Me Before Breathing Once More And Smiling Into Nothingness.

As I wept into the picture of me And Howard stood on top of the Eiffel Tower, I remembered in perfect clarity the day where my life ended. Where his life ended. Our life, together.

"_Will you come on Howard we're gunna be late to see robots in disguise." I moaned at Howard's impossibly slow driving. "Safety comes first little man, we'll get there." "I want to be there before the world ends!" I replied sarcastically."Vince, I am not going past the designated speeding limitation. That Sir is why it is there for your own safety. Now sit back and listen to some Gary Numan while we travel safely to our destination." I huffed like a toddler and crossed my arms, infuriated that i wouldn't get there before the Robots and therefore wouldn't meet the beautiful women. _

"_Quit sulking little man, five minutes and we'll be there.." Said Howard smiling sweetly and looking at me with a friendly expression. "Alright. Thanks Howard" I said beaming again, he has been nice enough to take me. As we pulled up to the concert, I could see that the queue was marginally small and Howard had got me there in the nick of time to see the band. I sprinted into the crowd and yelled for them to give me there autograph. That was when it happened. Some guy pulling a knife to me and told me to fuck off because it was his girlfriend. He backed me into a wall holding the knife inches away from my neck. _

"_VINCE!" Howard yelled running towards me. "NO HOWARD!" It was too late, a cry of agony pierced the air and Howard sunk to the floor. I caught him in my arms before he hit the ground and saw the most horrific sight. Howard looked normal until i gazed at his chest. A huge wound was gushing blood and Howard's eyes were tearing. "Someone calling a fucking ambulance!" I choked. I knew he was dying, his eyes were blank. "V-Vince don't bother, i won't make it." "Don't be so fucking stupid Howard you'll be fine." I cried my nose running and eyes streaming. "L-little man, I've always wanted to tell you, i love you. You're my best friend and, the love of my life. You're beautiful you know that?" He gasped in pain and i sobbed into his hair kissing his head gently. "Howard, i love you too. Don't leave me please. I Need you, i can't be without you. I'll be nothing. Howard, please." His eyes were closing, i shook him awake. "Howard look at me, don't die on me now, you can't. Please stay awake for me. Until the ambulance gets here. Please." Crowds of people were around us calling ambulances and trying to help, other than telling them to fuck off if they got too close, I didn't notice anyone. Howard, my Howard was dying. "I'll always love you little man, see you soon." He smiled gently and i kissed him one last time before he closed his eyes shedding a tear and breathing once more. "Howard?" I choked out. I shook his body. "Howard! Wake up, Please Howard!" But i knew he was gone. The one person I'd ever loved, my soul mate, had left me. And the bastard who took him would pay. Overwhelmed with grief and anger i kissed Howard's cold cheek one last time and got up, trembling and sobbing heavily, before collapsing to the ground. _

That was the last day i'd ever bothered with myself. Since then i hadn't touched a pair of straightners or a kohl pencil. I was simply a shell. I'd stopped eating. My body was a mere skeleton of what had once been and would never be again. There were healing cuts on my arm where i'd tried to slice away the painful memory, it never worked but i still continued to do it. It was my fault he died. I was so intent on meeting a pointless electro band that Howard had lost his short-lived life for it. It should have been me lowered into the ground in a pristine white coffin with a hundred red roses on top. Should have been my grave stone which read "Vince Noir, Beloved Friend, King Of The Mods, Forever Missed And Loved" Instead of "Howard Moon, Beloved Friend, Musical Genius, Jazz Maverick, Forever Missed And Adored By All." And most of all, it should have been my heard pieced by that knife and bled dry in Howard's arms.

I pushed away the same plate of food that was prepared everyday by Naboo; ham sandwich with malt loaf-part of the Gi diet that i no longer cared for. He knew all to well i never ate it, partly because i always missed the bin when i threw it away, but mostly from my protruding back bone and xylophone ribcage bulging from my frail skin that clung to anything it could reach. I reached into the draw and took out the same knife i used each time and sliced 16 precisely shaped lines-both curved and straight, to form 'HOWARD' on my arm. The lush tearing of skin as i ran the knife along it cut through the silence in an eerie noise, but i didn't give to shits. Salty tear stung my wounds and mixed with my blood as i thought about how much I'd lost, i dropped the knife back into the draw and ran my hand through my greasy black hair. I ran upstairs ran a bath, sobbing into the water. I stepped out of my clothes robotically and climbed into the warm bath, still wailing and hyperventilating from the lack of oxygen intake i could get through each sob. I plummeted my head into the water and held my breath thinking only of Howard. 'Howard i love you, this is to be with you again. I'm useless without you' I thought the words long and hard and the oxygen starvation caused me to go light-headed and water filled my ears.


	2. Chapter 2

You Could Tell Howard And Vince Were Close, Like Two magnets They Were Attracted Like Bees To Honey, when Howard Died, So Did Vince. And Me And Bollo Were Left With The Broken Shell Of The Man That Remained.

Being a shaman was simple, easy. Looking after a man who was no longer Vince, was harder. He wouldn't eat, when you spoke to him he spoke back but it was robotic like a pre-recorded message. I looked over to him each day, in the same position, with the same expression on his face-agony. I'd tried everything to bring Howard back, but my shaman powers weren't enough to bring back Vince's soul.

"Vince?" I called as i stepped into the cold shop door of 'Nabootique'. No answer, he was probably upstairs, "Bollo, get your monkey anus in here, I can't find Vince." "I gotta bad feelin' about this Naboo." I shot upstairs as fast as my small legs would carry me and yelled at the bathroom door that had steam leaking through the gap in the door. "VINCE!" I was panicking, for all i knew Vince was in their dead. "BOLLO Help Me!" I lisped going into shock. Bollo forced his weight through the door as i saw the body of Vince submerged under water, Bollo grabbed his frail figure and placed him on the floor wrapped in a towel. "Bollo, get out the way i'm gunna have to give him mouth to mouth." This was pretty much the only gay experience i would have but there was nothing sexual in this, i was saving a friend, a brother. I pounded at his chest begging his lungs to respond as water dripped from his mouth, at last he coughed into submission and i shook him gently with tears in my eyes. "Vince, don't you ever do that to us again, we've already lost one, we don't want to lose another. I'm not leaving you in the house alone again. If i go out you're coming with me." He stared at me blankly and he came into consciousness. Bollo carried him to bed and i took his vulnerable state as an opportunity to force some tomato soup into his body. He coughed and spluttered trying to resist the food, but i managed to make him eat it, even if it was an infant portion. After he'd finished he drifter into an uneasy, but deep sleep and Me and Bollo stepped into the hallway with the same worried expression playing on our faces.

"Bollo, what we gunna do? He can't possibly come everywhere with us. It's forbidden, but i will not stand by and let his kill himself." "I dunno, what about if we lock him in his room?" To be fair it was doable but wouldn't he find a way of killing himself in there? If i put him in my room he wouldn't. "What about in my room?" "Yeah, ok."

"Naboo?" A small voice called me, i ran into Vince's room seeing his blue eyes poke form underneath the covers, his voice was scratchy from the water in his lungs. "I'm gunna go for a walk." "Vince, do you think that's a good idea, given your current condition?" "Yeah, i won't do anything stupid i promise, i need to be closer to Ho-, the outside." Howard was the word he wanted to say, because being outside would mean closer to Howard's grave. Vince's eyes begged me to let him go, i couldn't turn him down, he'd been through so much already. "I'll leave some cash on the table alright?" For the first time in months Vince's gave a strained smile that was incredibly small and didn't touch his eyes, but a smile nevertheless. Bollo and I left €100 on the side and went back to the board of shaman to discuss further plans to take.


	3. Chapter 3

He'd saved me, from myself, and death. He wanted me to live, him and Bollo. But wasn't i a nuisance, a liability? Obviously not.

I heaved myself from the bed, feeling heavy and limp, and chucked on a ripped pair of black skinnies and an old 'Topshop' Hoodie that was now miles too big for me. My stomach felt full for the first time in months and it wasn't an unpleasant feeling, just, unwanted. I slipped on a pair of scuffed converse and plodded down the stairs over to the table where Naboo had left a respectable amount of money. He was a good friend to me, but he wasn't HIM. I tear trickled down my eye at the unspoken name and i snapped up the money in a wad and shoved it into a tight pocket along with a scratched blackberry.

As i stepped outside the air took my breath away and scratched down my throat where the water had scorched it dry. I hadn't been outside since it happened and the fresh air was overwhelming in contrast to the stale air of Nabootique. I knew where i was headed, somewhere that i thought i would never go again, somewhere unforgivable and selfish and...Illegal. But i knew it would help me forget, it was much better than having to face everyday alone and much, much better than another failed attempt in killing myself. I walked along to that all-too-familiar alley where the dealers hung out and put my hood up, not wishing to be recognised.

"All right son?" Said a husky voice, they even sounded like criminals. "What can i do for you?" He pressed. "Uh.." It had been along time since i'd bought drugs; i had no idea of cost anymore. "You got any Coke or heroin?" "Got both mate 'ow much d'ya want?" "Uh just make it up to €100?" "Yep alright 'ere y'are." He practically chucked the begs and syringes at me as i handed over the small wad of cash. I tucked the bundle under my Hoodie and walked away. I may not have bought drugs but i remembered enough to know that you don't thank or make conversation to a dealer, they don't give to shits anyway.

I got back into my room and stashed the substances under a compartment in my bed that hadn't been used since the 80's when i'd last done coke. No-one ever looked there and it was within perfect reach at night. I left one syringe out and a small pile of coke and ran downstairs to grab a straw. As i lined the coke i felt a pang of excitement and youth fill my body and i snorted the white powder into my nose feeling an instant rush. After i discarded all evidence of the coke, I straightened my arm and plunged the needle into it, again feeling and instant effect on my body. I threw the needle into a separate beg and hid it in the same place as the rest of my stash.

I felt the best i'd ever felt in months, like i could do anything. I opened up shop with a genuine smile played on my face. It seemed the sunshine kid had got his shine back-or at least until the drugs wore off. When Naboo got back he found me raiding the fridge-munchies were the downside to being high. I thought i'd be caught in an instant but poor unaware Naboo put my hunger down to the soup he'd force fed me and i didn't deny it. It was easier him thinking that, than knowing the truth.

Everyday i repeated the same routine, get up, take some drugs, have breakfast, open up shop, lunch, heroin, open shop again, snack, close shop, eat again. And no-one was suspicious of anything, they just thought i'd found a way to cope. They never saw me behind closed doors. When the drugs wore off i'd cry myself to sleep hunched in a tight ball begging Howard to save me from what i'd become. He never did. I missed him everyday, and because of the drugs i had to cover the black circles under my eyes with layer upon layer of makeup, making me feel disgusting, like i was erasing Howard bit by bit by becoming who i was again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Howard Was The One Who'd Prevented Me From Losing Myself. To Drugs. To Alcohol. To Society. Now That He Was Gone, So Was My Sanity, And Logic.**

The drugs helped my days fly past me in a blur, but there was one thing it didn't stop. Urges. One very powerful urge burned at the back of my mind like wildfire. Something That Would Kill me to do, but i needed to feel close to him again. Like i still belonged to the life i once lived, happily with H-Howard. I needed to be by the closest place to him, his graveside. I wanted to do so many things there.

I snatched up my coat and tugged it over my shoulders that now were back to a normal-ish size; for me at least. I took a twenty from the till and barged through the shop door without looking back. I had to do it, if not now then never, and never was too long. I threw $5 at the woman on the flower stall and grasped my purchase in a pale, shaking hand. Tears threatening to already run down my tired, abused face and i rubbed them sharply to prevent them , 'not yet' i told myself.

The gate to the graveyard was rusted and heavy against my weak arms, but i forced what little weight i carried against it to shift it just enough to fit through. I could've found Howard with my eyes shut, i was connected to him by a force greater than Earthly power, we belonged to each other like cheese and wine or straightners and hair. I sat down next to his graveyard and let the delayed tears run down my cheeks. I knew he'd be ashamed at me, becoming what sat before him. I was a broken man, even a class idiot like me could see that. I traced each letter on his headstone sniffing back sobs. "Howard Moon

Beloved Friend

Musical Genius

Jazz Maverick

Forever Missed And Adored By All"

"Hey Howard" I whispered. "I know you're probably beyond pissed off at me right now, i know. I'm disgusting. First of all i don't visit you in nearly a year, then i try to kill myself, and then resort to drugs, But don't you see? I'm nothing without you. I told you i loved you, but you just don't know how much. You're the love of my life, my missing puzzle piece. How can i be whole again when there will always be a piece missing. You were, and are my everything." I sobbed loudly. "I can be in a crowd of a million people and i still feel so alone Howard, because, lets be honest you were the one person who filled my world. I brought you this, i know you love calla lilies, so i got you one, along with a red rose. Beautiful eh? Like you were to me, even in death you were. I bet you are now, up there smiling, your tiny chocolate eyes full of happiness and knowledge. I'll always love you Howard." I felt a breeze on my neck and it travelled to my lips, Howard was here. "You took your time." I chuckled. "Had to pour out a whole bloody speech for that kiss, what you playing at, it's not like you to be late." I laughed again, and i could've sworn i heard a faint, familiar chucked echo mine.

"Howard?" "Yes little man?" I was dreaming, but for the first time it felt truly real. "i love you Howard, why can't i be with you?" in my dream, i frowned and Howard smiled beautifully. "Little man, i've told you before, everyone has their time. I had mine, you haven't, i want you to quit those awful drugs and start living. I'll be with you every step of the way and when your time comes i'll be there still, holding your hand. Now come on, while we still have sometime lets have one last little kiss for tonight." Howard took my tearing face in his hands, the same tears copied on his face, and he bent down and kissed me sweetly. For the first time in a year, i was Vince again-sunshine kid and rock n' roll star. "Love you little man." The words echoed in my head as i stirred into reality and smiled. Howard was still here, even though it wasn't visible, i knew.

**(That's not the end, so keep reading and reviewing etc) xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Howard Had Shown Me The Light, Told Me that One Day We'd Be Together Again. But Some Habits Die Hard, And My Habits Where Becoming More Lethal.**

I'd Tried To quit the drugs, to be fair i'd chucked the cocaine. But heroin was just too good. Things were becoming bad, i could tell they were damaging me with every injection. Nomally i could just quickly inject in a lunch break and i'd be fine, i guess my body had been used to enough from the 80's to handle a small amount, but then it got addictive. I could no longer stay awake after injecting and the buzz had gone. Most days i might collapse. The munchies had subsided with the cocaine, so the dramatic weight gain from eating constantly had dropped almost instantly again. If i had said i wasn't scared, i'd have been lying.

I went back upstairs for another dose and found Naboo by my bed with the bag. Shit.

"What the fuck are you playing at Vince?" I knew this was a rhetorical question, so i shut my mouth and stared at Naboo, horrified. "I thought you'd found a way to handle losing Howard, that maybe the shock of nearly dying had kicked you arse into submission. But no, you fucking wash away everything with a needle. You realise how dangerous this is, you're so selfish Vince, and you always have been. That's why Howard died." That did it, i stormed out of the shop after grabbing all the money i could out of the till and fucked off to the ropiest club i could find. I'd show the stupid turban twat who was selfish; i'd drug myself to oblivion. _This_ was my time.

"No Vince." I heard Howard's voice. "Naboo was trying to get you to quit, being cruel to be kind." "I've had enough Howard, no-one cares anymore, drugs are the only way i can get through a day. Your voice isn't enough, i need your arms around me. Like it was in my dream, but for real. If i can't have you alive, I'll have you dead." I retorted in my head.

I grabbed a flirtini from the bar and went to the corner of the club where all the seedy dealers traded. "Alright." Said one dealer, obviously a fucking chav, perfect. "Gimme some of everything you've got, i don't give a shit what it is just do it." I snapped. "ere' you go mate now show me da money." I practically threw the money in his face as i stormed off to the men toilets.

They were disgusting. Dirt lining the rim of the sinks, the taps were black and the urinals sank of piss, as if they hadn't ever been cleaned, to be fair; they probably hadn't. Nevertheless i emptied out the contents of the white bag i'd bought, to find pretty much any drug you could name. Magic mushrooms, weed, LSD, heroin, coke, Cannabis, X. I decided to pace myself, let Naboo have a little chance of finding me before i died.

I downed my cocktail before throwing it right back up. I hadn't taken anything yet and i couldn't breathe. What the fuck was i doing? Naboo was right this was stupid. I staggered out the club door leaving the drugs in the bathroom, still struggling to take in air. As i got to Naboo's shop, he stood there worried out of his mind as i passed out.

**I'd Only Tried To Help. I Never Meant For Him To Take Me Seriously. Vince Was One Of The Most Selfless People I Knew At Times. He'd Done Everything For Howard, Right Up Until The End. If Vince Died, It Would Be My Fault.**

After telling Vince he was selfish, i knew i'd gone too far. With tears in his eyes, he ran out of the door, emptying the till and going off. I knew where he'd go. He'd go and show me just how selfish he could be. He would kill himself on drugs.

I couldn't find Bollo, there wouldn't be time. I had to find him. Vince didn't know what he was doing, he was mad with fury and guilt, and it was my fault. I tore the flat apart trying to find Howard's keys to his old car. I would be too late at this rate. I was close to tears as i found them. I practically screamed. I straightened my turban and sped down the stairs onto the shop floor where i could make out Vince's bony frame rasping for breath. I hurled to the door as he collapsed. I was too late.

His body lurched it my arms as he vomited violently over the floor, i tilted his body so he could get air and he choked out the words "I didn't do it, i swear." And he fell back into unconsciousness. At That point my brain snapped into action as i grabbed the phone which was mercifully within reach and dialled the ambulance.

"Get me an ambulance now!" I yelled. "calm down sir, tell me what's wrong; is it you or someone else?" Said a soft female voice. "I-it's my friend i dunno what's wrong he just collapsed, he couldn't breathe, and then he threw up and passed out." "Ok sir, where are you?" "Um, Nabootique in Dalston. Down Peacock lane." "Yes, i know it. Ok they'll be someone there within 10 minute honey. Just stay calm and keep your friend's head up so he can breathe. Can i ask, has he taken anything?" Oh god, he'd be banged up if he lived. "He's taken heroin, but not since this morning, he couldn't of I caught him out and he got pissed off and went to a bar. It smells like he's had a bit of alcohol but he promised he hadn't taken anything else." "Ok sir, this is serious. You need to make sure he hasn't taken anything else. Check his wrists, inside of his arms, anywhere he could inject." I looked all over, there were only small, old pricks from this morning but nothing new. "No there's nothing." "Right, thank-you. The ambulance will be with you very soon. Like i said stay calm." I put down the phone quivering.

The ambulance pulled up and paramedics rushed over checking Vince's body. Lifting his eyelids and examining every inch. They pierced another hole in his alabaster arm and stretchered him into the back of the vehicle. I robotically climbed in with him , staring at the drip that had been attached to his arm. Vince's eyelids fluttering and his breathing rasped horribly. "Howard?" That one word killed me. He wouldn't want to see me when he woke up, he'd want to see Howard. Seeing me would kill him, if his overdose didn't. "Howard?" Vince repeated, I had to answer him. "It's Naboo, Vince. You remember where you are yeah?" Vince opened his eyes, tears filling them as reality set back in. "Yeah, just checking s'all" I Felt terrible, Vince slumped his body back down and fell into a peaceful sleep. Thank god, he was going to be fine, i hoped.


	6. Chapter 6

**It Felt Like I Was Drowning Again, Peaceful, Detached From Reality And Yet Hearing It In Perfect Clarity. Only This Was More Painful, Because My Life Was Becoming More And More Vague And Opaque. I Could Literally Taste the Transition between Life And Death-And Death Was So Much more Inviting.**

I wished for death. Not to hurt Naboo or Bollo, but because i was so ready to die. I'd lived my life, out-lived it more accurately. I understood that i should have left the earth as soon as Howard's lungs failed to intake oxygen, should have closed my eyes from the world and opened them next to Howard. We were one being. Like one thread, cut the thread and you cut both people. The truth was i died nearly a year ago, not literally but in my mind, i was dead. I was simply surviving, i wasn't human, i was robotic.

I could feel myself drawing closer to the end of my life; i could hear my death coming- the quiet sobs from Naboo and Bollo. I felt so guilty to leave them, but they had each other. They were a couple still, i was not. I was simply drifting around, like a leaf detached from a trees protective grasp, floating in the soft wind. I didn't belong anymore, my home was with Howard. When he died, he left with my heart and soul. He put the sunshine into the sunshine kid, the rock n' roll into the rock n' roll star. He completed me, the superglue to my life. Without him i was and could never be Vince. I looked like someone who had once been Vince, but that was the only characteristic that could determine me from that of a robot.

A gush of intense pain flooded my entire being as i was swept into darkness. I could feel myself being wrenched from my body, as if i could hover over myself and wave. I could hear everything; see everything-every piece of dust, every strand of my hair-where my black hair dye was fading. It irritated me that i couldn't correct that, but it didn't matter. I could be with Howard now, i could almost feel his warm arms surrounding me already.

The ear splitting drone of the heart monitor echoed through the hospital ward and my open, blank blue eyes- which had once echoed true happiness, and rainbows, and childish innocence, fell dull and glazed. My skeletal body- that had once been clothed with amazing, unusual materials, lost all tension and lay flat and still. My closed pink lips parted slightly and tinged paler tinted a fraction to a touch of blue, which could only be spotted by my alert eyes.

Naboo let out a tiny wail as the paramedics approached and told both him and Bollo what was already perfectly apparent and relieving to me.

I was finally dead.


End file.
